I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
