i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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