tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
