NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
