he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
