Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
