i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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