I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Also, beer. Big fan.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
