i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
