i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
