I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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