Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
