woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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