could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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