she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
