Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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