I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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