Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
