nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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