life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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