How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
