So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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