Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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