how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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