Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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