he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
