my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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