I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
