I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
