apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
