Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
