I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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