Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
