you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
