I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
