Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
