I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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