I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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