I need help removing her.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
this is an emotional support booty call
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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