So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
