Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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