I smell stomach acid.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize