She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
