I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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