Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
this hospital has no fireball
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
