I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
