apparently the secret to your success is patron
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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