So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You may now shotgun with the bride
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
