If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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