mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
It was like getting head from an anaconda
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Randomize
