I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
