What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
